‘Finding Leonardo’ is about a girl – woman – whose dreams had come true and she had a sense of magic, what if she dreamed up something else, could she have that too? 

The dream was the relationship, but no one had shown up for her yet. Ever since she was in high school she had been dreaming about her ‘Leonardo’. No not DiCaprio, but her own Leonardo. And many times she thought she had found him. When they were traveling the world together, when they kissed, or made love. But something always came up: troubled parents, broken relationships or mental illness. Just, life. 

So at some point, she looked back on all the men that ever crossed her path and thought to herself: my ‘Leonardo’ is not one man forever and ever, but a mosaic man made up out of all the men that ever touched my heart. My college sweetheart, the rebound that followed, the one I used to go snowboarding with, even the ones that got away. 

See, she grew up in a world where she was taught life could be made. So she went off, chasing her dreams. But at the end of her search she realized, ‘Leonardo’ cannot be found, because life is given to you. In order for ‘Leonardo’ to find you, you have to create space for coincidence and let people come to you. And with that in mind she could finally stop chasing and start living. 

De afgelopen zeven jaar was ik in herstel van ernstige levens ontwrichtende gebeurtenissen. En op mijn pad kwam ik anderen tegen met dezelfde ervaringen. Dat schept een band, maar wat me op viel was dat velen van hen helaas geen geloof meer hadden in de toekomst. Omdat ze al zo lang in zorg zitten dat ze afhankelijk zijn geworden van die zorg. Ze hebben niet die ervaring dat door je eigen inzet en geloof in de toekomst je dromen werkelijkheid kunnen worden. Ik had een leven voordat ik in zorg kwam en te maken kreeg met een uitkering, bewindvoering en beschermd wonen. Een leven waarin ik leerde dat je best doen en de juiste keuzes maken loont. Maar wat als je die ervaring nooit hebt gehad in je leven? Wie ben ik dan om te zeggen dat het loont om op z’n minst een paar keer per week op tijd op te staan om naar vrijwilligerswerk te gaan? Wat als je niet gelooft dat er een beter leven voor je in t verschiet kan liggen? Het leven wat je voor jezelf zou wensen? Dat vond ik van alles in zeven jaar herstel werkzaamheden het ergst om te zien. Niet het minimale weekbudget, niet de soms incapable begeleiding of de ongewenste medebewoners. Nee, ik kon het niet aanzien dat mensen hun geloof in de toekomst waren verloren. En daar wil ik graag iets aan doen! 

Ik heb de mogelijkheden opgezocht om veel cursussen te volgen in het kader van herstel. Onder andere aan Howie the Harp en Enik Recovery College. En wat mij het meest heeft geholpen en is bijgebleven in mijn herstel, zijn de verhalen van anderen. Horen dat je niet de enige bent met soortgelijke ervaringen, of misschien nog wel een tandje erger, en dat ook zij verder zijn gegaan met hun leven ondanks de ernstige ontwrichting die zij hebben moeten doorstaan, inspireert en schept hoop. Maar aan de andere kant begrijp ik dat sommigen de belastbaarheid en concentratie span niet hebben om deel te nemen aan een cursus van een dag(deel) of soms een jaar, daarom deel ik middels mijn website en blog mijn ervaringsverhaal. Maar dit is niet alleen een verhaal over diagnoses, therapie, medicatie, en de GGZ, maar juist een verhaal over hoop en een ‘just do it attitude’. 

Zo ben ik altijd vrijwilligerswerk blijven doen, om toch dat werkritme er in te houden en nieuwe skills op te doen. Contacten met collega’s en een voldaan gevoel aan t einde van de dag. En binnen vijftien maanden ben ik van een groepswoning met begeleiding, naar wonen met huisgenoten, naar een zelfstandige woning doorgestroomd. Er is zo veel mogelijk als het op herstel aankomt. Maar ja, probeer dat iemand in herstel maar eens wijs te maken. Ik doe m’n best. 

Ik ben nu zo’n twaalf jaar in herstel en wat heb ik eigenlijk geleerd? 

In theorie heb ik geleerd dat er fases van herstel zijn (overweldigd door, worstelen met, leven met en leven voorbij) en soorten van herstel (klinisch, persoonlijk en maatschappelijk). Maar dat waren de lessen die ik leerde aan Howie the Harp en Enik Recovery College. 

Wat ik vooral leerde door aan mijn herstel te  werken is dat herstel geen lineaire opwaartse lijn is, maar meer een golfbeweging met ups en downs. Zo vaak door de jaren heen dacht ik: ‘Nu ben ik er, nu ben ik hersteld’, maar dan gebeurde er weer wat en dan was ik weer terug bij af, voor mijn gevoel. Maar er is geen terug bij af. Want van iedere life event leerde ik namelijk weer wat om het de volgende keer anders of beter te doen. Dat er bijvoorbeeld een volgorde in herstel zit en dat het geen zin heeft je herstel proberen te versnellen, het komt zoals het komt. 

You can go the whole world over, every city has one dawn, but everybody living has one place where he was born…My land is Kenya, Roger Whittaker

Growing up, my dreams were always bigger than the town I grew up in. So, when I turned eighteen I left. And for twenty-five years I wondered the earth, had twenty different addresses and met thousands of people. Faith had it though, that after a quarter of a century, I ended up right where I started: in Holland. And I was more homeless, unemployed and single than ever before.  

Time to start over. There’s an order in life and in our Universe: housing first, the job opportunity will present itself in due time and maybe, just maybe ‘my’ Leonardo will find me in the end. Not the other way around. Because, what I came to realize when everything was stripped away, is that life cannot be made, it is given to you. No more pushing for jobs and chasing guys. Just flow with life’s natural course and see what happens. That is The Surf of Life.

I have been preaching ‘surfing life’ for years, but lately the more I start to practice it, the more life seems to work out (to my own surprise). Housing opportunities start to present themselves, I let delays in achieving career goals for what they are and therefore I start to experience the peace of letting things flow, instead of making them happen.

What wisdom have I acquired over the past seven years? 

To be honest, I don’t care about finding another job or chasing the next dream. I have done all I can, there is nothing left for me to do. It’s time for me to stop trying to make life, and start living the life that is given to me. Whatever that might be. 

I have spend so much time finding places to live, applying for jobs and chasing men. And in the end, I am exactly where I was seven years ago. Single, unemployed and okay, I have a roof over my head, but I can’t really call it a home. So, maybe I was trying too hard. Life is given to you, my late great coach Caroline once said to me. At the time I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. But maybe what she was trying to say was, create space for coincidence, let opportunities come to you. Don’t paddle against the current, go with the flow. 

For years I thought, I need a house, a job and a relationship and then I can finally start living. But life unfolds every day as you are working towards your dreams. And most opportunities present themselves when you least expect them. 

Source: happy-spirit.nl

I speak of a wavy life as opposed to a linear life, of energy, frequency and vibration, of synchronicity. I truly believe there’s an order in life and in our universe.

2012 Marked an unusually hard year in my life, and to be honest, the world I grew up in seems to have changed at a rapid pace. The old rules don’t apply anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. But apparently there are larger forces at stake.

For the past few years I have been on a quest to the rest of my life. And every once in a while I stumble upon a piece that inspires me and I feel like sharing. Who knows, someone might benefit one day.

Turns out, 2012 was not just a special year for me, but for everyone in our solar system, when it comes to a shift in energy. It was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.

If you are wondering what I am talking about, read this article:

2012: A Moment in Cosmic Time

Source: istockphoto.com

Life is no linear upward line, but it’s like a set of waves, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. That’s what The Surf of Life is all about.
I lost my mind, my dreams came true and I found love in many different shapes and forms.

Until I was thirty, I didn’t know what losing was like. Sure I lost the occasional field hockey game or failed a test in school, but really, I didn’t know about true loss. The kind that breaks your heart, the kind that makes you furious and that you can still feel in years past. But after I celebrated my 31st birthday in a mental institution, I found out there is an order in life or in our Universe. You do not make life, life is given to you.

I also didn’t know there were different kinds of love. I had only known one love until then. My college sweetheart. But after we broke up I experienced many different kinds of love. Instant love, love that fades and the kind that you love, but don’t love you in return. For years I tried to find love, but I have learned I have to stop trying so hard, create space for coincidence and let people come to you.

And finally, all my life I had been dreaming of living in the US. When that dream finally came true I had a sense of magic. What if I dreamed up something else? Could I have that too?

My dream is to touch millions of people’s lives, so they can learn how to surf life.

Source: helloartsy.com

Why I think my story should be told? Because it’s out of the ordinary, and a sign of our time at the same time. I don’t believe I, my little self, built this life on my own. Not the highs, nor the lows. But it’s a result of the time I grew up in. I am not a Boomer or part of Gen X. I am an Xennial*. For a while I thought I was supposed to earn a living and raise a family. But how, if you spend your time obtaining a college degree, making a career and traveling the world? Let alone the fact your college sweetheart has his own goals and dreams, your parents are victims of a Global financial crisis and you become mentally ill because of all the stress posed upon you, because of it. 

I had fun, I sure did, but I suffered too, more than anyone should suffer in a lifetime. I lost, again and again, while I did everything right and worked very, very hard like they taught me growing up. I asked God many times why this had to happen to me. But I had to figure that one out for myself. My dream is to lead the way for the Millenials and Gen Z, so they don’t have to suffer the way I did. I want to teach them what they don’t teach you in school: relationships end, a job is just a job and doesn’t last for a lifetime, people get sick, raising a family is not a given, but first and foremost, you can do anything, but you can’t do everything. That’s just life. 

Most days, nothing special happens, and I just have to get through the day, just like everyone else on this planet. But sometimes, just every once in a while, something happens, which makes me a believer. In God, in a higher power, in destiny, all of that you usually just read about in books. It gives me faith I am here for a reason and that there’s more to life than just simple existence. 

Many people, they grow up, they do what is expected of them and then they die. But have they actually lived? What does it mean to feel alive? 

Today I watched some game show on tv and everyone at the desk, when asked what they will do with a hundred grant, says they want to travel. They all want to see the world. Apparently that’s everyone’s dream. Isn’t that crazy? Of all the things you can think of. That’s it.

I have been the world over many times, so in a way I am already rich, right? The sun is shining, the world is frozen, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can’t wait for a house, a job or my Leonardo, so I can finally start living. 

I don’t know what will happen between now and the end of summer, but hey, does one ever know in advance what will happen in life? Good or bad? Maybe Lister will find me a house of my own, or a job opening will present itself, maybe I’ll find my Leonardo. But if not, it’s also okay. Because my story will be finished and I can start living the rest of my life. 

Source: rtl.nl

Imagine you wake up tomorrow with a roof over your head and enough money in the bank to feed yourself. You’re single without kids and you don’t have to go to work for the next few years. What would you do? 

What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Would you be ecstatic with all this newly gained freedom, or sad because your life is so empty? You can do anything you want right? You must be sitting on a winning lottery ticket, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like that… 

With all this time on your hands, nothing seems a priority, except for the daily trip to the supermarket to buy groceries. And maybe take a shower once in a while. 

I tried a few jobs, but quit because I didn’t see the point, started a blog, which, except for some Facebook and LinkedIn connections no one read. I tried online dating, friends with benefits, even drugs. Didn’t end well. 

So now what?