What wisdom have I acquired over the past seven years? 

To be honest, I don’t care about finding another job or chasing the next dream. I have done all I can, there is nothing left for me to do. It’s time for me to stop trying to make life, and start living the life that is given to me. Whatever that might be. 

I have spend so much time finding places to live, applying for jobs and chasing men. And in the end, I am exactly where I was seven years ago. Single, unemployed and okay, I have a roof over my head, but I can’t really call it a home. So, maybe I was trying too hard. Life is given to you, my late great coach Caroline once said to me. At the time I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. But maybe what she was trying to say was, create space for coincidence, let opportunities come to you. Don’t paddle against the current, go with the flow. 

For years I thought, I need a house, a job and a relationship and then I can finally start living. But life unfolds every day as you are working towards your dreams. And most opportunities present themselves when you least expect them. 

Source: happy-spirit.nl

I speak of a wavy life as opposed to a linear life, of energy, frequency and vibration, of synchronicity. I truly believe there’s an order in life and in our universe.

2012 Marked an unusually hard year in my life, and to be honest, the world I grew up in seems to have changed at a rapid pace. The old rules don’t apply anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. But apparently there are larger forces at stake.

For the past few years I have been on a quest to the rest of my life. And every once in a while I stumble upon a piece that inspires me and I feel like sharing. Who knows, someone might benefit one day.

Turns out, 2012 was not just a special year for me, but for everyone in our solar system, when it comes to a shift in energy. It was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.

If you are wondering what I am talking about, read this article:

2012: A Moment in Cosmic Time

Source: istockphoto.com

Life is no linear upward line, but it’s like a set of waves, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. That’s what The Surf of Life is all about.
I lost my mind, my dreams came true and I found love in many different shapes and forms.

Until I was thirty, I didn’t know what losing was like. Sure I lost the occasional field hockey game or failed a test in school, but really, I didn’t know about true loss. The kind that breaks your heart, the kind that makes you furious and that you can still feel in years past. But after I celebrated my 31st birthday in a mental institution, I found out there is an order in life or in our Universe. You do not make life, life is given to you.

I also didn’t know there were different kinds of love. I had only known one love until then. My college sweetheart. But after we broke up I experienced many different kinds of love. Instant love, love that fades and the kind that you love, but don’t love you in return. For years I tried to find love, but I have learned I have to stop trying so hard, create space for coincidence and let people come to you.

And finally, all my life I had been dreaming of living in the US. When that dream finally came true I had a sense of magic. What if I dreamed up something else? Could I have that too?

My dream is to touch millions of people’s lives, so they can learn how to surf life.

Source: helloartsy.com

Why I think my story should be told? Because it’s out of the ordinary, and a sign of our time at the same time. I don’t believe I, my little self, built this life on my own. Not the highs, nor the lows. But it’s a result of the time I grew up in. I am not a Boomer or part of Gen X. I am an Xennial*. For a while I thought I was supposed to earn a living and raise a family. But how, if you spend your time obtaining a college degree, making a career and traveling the world? Let alone the fact your college sweetheart has his own goals and dreams, your parents are victims of a Global financial crisis and you become mentally ill because of all the stress posed upon you, because of it. 

I had fun, I sure did, but I suffered too, more than anyone should suffer in a lifetime. I lost, again and again, while I did everything right and worked very, very hard like they taught me growing up. I asked God many times why this had to happen to me. But I had to figure that one out for myself. My dream is to lead the way for the Millenials and Gen Z, so they don’t have to suffer the way I did. I want to teach them what they don’t teach you in school: relationships end, a job is just a job and doesn’t last for a lifetime, people get sick, raising a family is not a given, but first and foremost, you can do anything, but you can’t do everything. That’s just life. 

Most days, nothing special happens, and I just have to get through the day, just like everyone else on this planet. But sometimes, just every once in a while, something happens, which makes me a believer. In God, in a higher power, in destiny, all of that you usually just read about in books. It gives me faith I am here for a reason and that there’s more to life than just simple existence. 

Many people, they grow up, they do what is expected of them and then they die. But have they actually lived? What does it mean to feel alive? 

Today I watched some game show on tv and everyone at the desk, when asked what they will do with a hundred grant, says they want to travel. They all want to see the world. Apparently that’s everyone’s dream. Isn’t that crazy? Of all the things you can think of. That’s it.

I have been the world over many times, so in a way I am already rich, right? The sun is shining, the world is frozen, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can’t wait for a house, a job or my Leonardo, so I can finally start living. 

I don’t know what will happen between now and the end of summer, but hey, does one ever know in advance what will happen in life? Good or bad? Maybe Lister will find me a house of my own, or a job opening will present itself, maybe I’ll find my Leonardo. But if not, it’s also okay. Because my story will be finished and I can start living the rest of my life. 

Source: rtl.nl

Imagine you wake up tomorrow with a roof over your head and enough money in the bank to feed yourself. You’re single without kids and you don’t have to go to work for the next few years. What would you do? 

What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Would you be ecstatic with all this newly gained freedom, or sad because your life is so empty? You can do anything you want right? You must be sitting on a winning lottery ticket, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like that… 

With all this time on your hands, nothing seems a priority, except for the daily trip to the supermarket to buy groceries. And maybe take a shower once in a while. 

I tried a few jobs, but quit because I didn’t see the point, started a blog, which, except for some Facebook and LinkedIn connections no one read. I tried online dating, friends with benefits, even drugs. Didn’t end well. 

So now what?

I grew up thinking my place in this world was a geographical location, a country, a city. But I have come to believe that the journey is not an outside one, it’s the journey within that counts. What I learned on my journey is that life is no linear upward line or a nice round circle. ‘Life is a series of ups and downs’ (Tom Bilyeu), it’s like a set of waves, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. 

So, what if you can learn to ‘surf life’, like riding a set of waves?  

I don’t think there’s any doubt by now that there is an order in life, or in our Universe. ‘In the movement of the stars and the turning of the earth and the changing of the seasons, and even in the cycle of human life‘ (Katherine Anne Porter). Are there others who believe you can ‘surf life’? I think Lao Tzu already gave a hint with his Taoism before he even knew what ‘surfing’ was. Taoism compares life to a river, when we go along with the current, we align ourselves with its natural course. Modern day writers also mention that ‘you can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf’ (John Kabat Zinn). And that ‘when you go with the flow, you’re surfing life force’ (Danielle LaPorte). 

To me The Surf of Life is all about creating space for coincidence and letting people come to you, basically to stop trying so hard and just let it become part of the flow. 

“You do realize you are just as crazy as the rest of us right?” A mental breakdown was the reason I went on a quest to the rest of my life. A year later I found myself on the Australian West Coast where the Indian and the Pacific Oceans meet.

What did I want out of this life?

So, off to America I went. It had been a lifetime dream of mine to live and work in the land of opportunity. And when my dreams finally came true, I had a sense of magic and thought to myself: what if I dream up something else, can I have that too?

The dream was the relationship. It was clear that what I wanted was love. Now it was time to find my own Leonardo, I thought.

However, after my return from America, I hit a full blown existential crisis. No wonder, all my college buddies had moved on: were raising families, making careers. I wanted to find my reason for being too.

This is when the quest to the rest of my life took a different turn. My place in this world was no longer a geographical location, like it had been before. What I learned in this lifecycle between ages 35 and 42 was to let go of who I was, to become who I might be. I no longer was a Nike employee, or someone’s girlfriend. But no use ‘finding’ my reason for being or my Leonardo.

I now believe that one day, when the energy and vibrational frequency are right, my dreams will come true.

To me the Surf of Life is about creating space for coincidence and letting people come to you.

‘Find my own Leonardo’. I friend of mine once said. I have been a life time Leonardo fan, Leonardo DiCaprio that is. The greatest actor of our time, every girl’s dream, at least that’s what I believed in high school. I remember the first time I saw him on the big screen, I was fourteen years old and Romeo + Juliet had just come out. And then there was Titanic and the phenomenon it was. Leonardo starred as Jack, chasing his Rose on board of this unsinkable ship, that sank on its first voyage across the Atlantic. “I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go”.

Now that I’m older I have learned my ‘Leonardo’ is not my baby daddy, or my provider, nor my roommate. My Leonardo is my lover. I know who my Leonardo is. You are a sweetheart, my friend with benefits. You are a disaster, but oh so entertaining. You are so smart and gifted, but you are too young. You have seen the world, just like I did. I know you adore me. I just haven’t met you yet.

Also read: The monkeys up in the trees | Finding ‘Leonardo’ | The Surf of Life – The Story

In honor of the 6th anniversary of this blog, I share part of my recovery story: