Wu Wei

Usually when I get home at night and generally had fun that day – birthday parties, Friday night drinks, or other celebrations of some kind – I feel gloomy. Why? Basically because I realize how alone I am and have been for the past decade or so. Sure, wherever I lived over the past thirteen years, I always had a social circle and good friends to spend my free time with. But that’s no longer enough for me.

I know by now that love comes in all shapes and forms. From crushes and friends with benefits, to summer flings and long term relationships. But true love, the one you want to share the rest of your days with, just hasn’t shown up for me yet. Maybe because I moved around too much in my life to settle down, or because I got sick at age thirty-one and spent the next decade or so to recover.

What if William the Psychic was right, and I am afraid of being swallowed up by the other person and that fear is in the way? Maybe it’s true, I have been looking in all the wrong places and there are not many people like me, who want to experience the fullness of life.

I keep spending my days, and nights for that matter, with men I know are not relationship material. Madness, according to Einstein, keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome. So, what am I supposed to do? I want to ‘find my Leonardo’. But how? By creating space for coincidence and letting people come to me? Lessons I learned on my Quest. That’s really hard for me though, trying to accomplish something without doing anything. Wu Wei, the action of non-action, according to Lao Tzu’s Taoism. That’s how it all started, the idea of The Surf of Life.

Maybe it’s time for me to practice what I preach and do nothing when it comes to finding my Leonardo. And just see what happens in the next year…

The end of an era and the beginning of a new one

The end of a wonderful Sunday spend with family, a weekend packed with social activities, a relaxed week and month, a well spend Summer and a year full of change.

Tomorrow everyone will go back to school and back to work after Summer break. Back from their holidays in Southern Europe with the family. First day of High School or University as a Freshman. I remember those days.

For me it’s just another year, so it seems. But this time I have a roof over my head that’s mine for the next few years, if I want to. I’m not subletting from a friend in lack of a better idea, not renting a furnished room from a man I met at the bar, I don’t live in a place I can’t afford, I don’t live with my parents, nor in a group home, or in a temporary home with roommates.

And for the first time in seven years I have a job lined up. Hopefully this will be the end of a seven year career break, well spend on health and well being. I’m all by myself in my living room, which is also my bedroom. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I never belonged in Amsterdam, Portland, or The Hague. This place is where I’m from.

One more day and I’ll be 43. A landmark. The end of my sixth chakra life cycle, for those of you who are into Buddhism and Hinduism. I look back on a bumpy seven year life cycle, I could write a book about my lessons learned and maybe I will one day.

I don’t know what’s waiting for me in the next seven years. We’ll see. I know by now what is meant by ‘life is given to you’, thanks to my late great coach, may she rest in peace. No use trying to predict your own future, there is no way you will know what’s gonna happen to you a year or seven years from now. All you can do is ride the waves that are coming for you. That, to me, is The Surf of Life.

Ervaringsdeskundige in wat?

In wat? Vragen mensen me vaak, als ik zeg dat ik Ervaringsdeskundige ben.

Wat houd het eigenlijk in om als Ervaringsdeskundige ondersteuning te bieden tijdens iemands herstelproces?

Dat verschilt per persoon en ligt aan een ieders behoefte, als je het mij vraagt:

De één wil een luisterend oor, de ander heeft behoefte aan een knuffel. Soms help je met het invullen van een formulier of het begeleiden naar een afspraak, maar af en toe antwoorden op een appje kan ook al voldoende zijn. Van boodschappen doen, tot hulp bij het updaten van een LinkedIn profiel, you name it. De support die ik bied is heel divers.

Geduld, compassie, inlevingsvermogen, begrip, het feit dat ik ontelbare keren verhuisd ben, mijn vrijwilligerswerk op de herstelacademie, een hoog energie level, bedrijfskundige werkervaring en een cursus loopbaancoaching, komen in dit vakgebied dus goed van pas. Wie had dat ooit gedacht?

Ik ben dan wel niet in dienst bij een werkgever en ben geen ZZPer, maar toch krijg ik er als dank voor mijn support zoveel waardering voor terug, zoals uitnodigingen voor heerlijke etentjes, een onverwacht cadeautje of een behandeling bij de beauty salon.

Ik ben pas net twee jaar onderweg om mijn rol als Ervaringsdeskundige vorm te geven in dit leven, maar Oprah zei ooit: ‘You must find a way to serve’. Nou, ik denk dat ik die gevonden heb.

Samen naar een afspraak bij de GGZ voor onderzoek

The Surf of Life

‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf’ ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

Wat is The Surf of Life eigenlijk?

The Surf of Life is het idee dat het leven niet lineair is, maar meer een golfbeweging. En dat je op die golven kunt leren surfen.

Daar begon t mee in 2014. Het idee werd een website, de website werd een blog en de blog heeft inmiddels 11k views.

Maar The Surf of Life is ook mijn herstelverhaal, en aangezien herstel nooit af is, is mijn verhaal ook nooit af. Na een flinke periode van struggles heb ik wel t idee dat ik in rustiger vaarwater terecht ben gekomen. Ik woon niet meer op een ‘locatie’, maar heb een eigen studio. Geen huisgenoten meer en geen begeleiding die ieder moment het huis binnen kan lopen. Ik heb de juiste zorg gevonden en ga zelfs dit najaar beginnen met een ‘proefplaatsing’.

Waarom The Surf of Life?

‘Het leven is je gegeven, creëer ruimte voor toeval, laat mensen naar jou toe komen’. Ik heb tijdens mijn herstel veel adviezen gekregen. Adviezen die niet alleen op een herstelproces van toepassing zijn, maar ook op t leven in t algemeen.

Ik dacht jaren lang dat t leven maakbaar was en jaagde constant achter mensen, banen en kansen aan. Totdat ik de ene wipe out na de andere te verduren kreeg. Het leven is een golfbeweging dacht ik toen, met ups en downs. Wat als je kunt leren surfen op de golven van t leven?

Een mooie gedachte voor een 31 jarige. Maar in de praktijk nog niet zo eenvoudig. Iedere keer als ik dacht, I get it, wipe out! Leren surfen op de golven van het leven is een proces van vallen en opstaan. Steeds weer opnieuw: van vrijwilligerswerk, naar een proefplaatsing, naar een betaalde baan. Van een groepswoning, naar wonen met huisgenoten, naar een eigen studio.

Deze week geef ik een cursus en leren we van ons eigen herstelproces. Wat hebben we nu geleerd van ons proces? Ik heb zoveel geleerd: geduld hebben (die golven die komen), wees kieskeurig (niet iedere golf is voor jou), geniet van t moment (er komt een einde aan die golf). The Surf of Life gaat niet alleen over wipe outs, maar ook over one’s abilities to overcome.

Tuurlijk, ik heb vele wipe outs gemaakt, maar het surfen gaat me al een stuk beter af dan jaren geleden. En tussen die wipe outs door waren er ook vele mooie momenten: dromen die werkelijkheid werden in Amerika, terug naar school na 15 jaar, fijne zomeravonden met vrienden en familie.

Ik weet niet wat me te wachten staat in dit leven, maar een ding weet ik zeker: het is alles behalve lineair. En als Ervaringsdeskundige deel ik graag mijn ‘ongoing’ ervaringsverhaal. Wie weet, misschien helpt t anderen te leren surfen op de golven van het leven.

Een droom van een herstelproces?

Een lotgenoot zei laatst tegen me dat mijn herstel een ‘droom proces’ is geweest. Tja, dat mag dan misschien zo lijken van de buitenkant, maar de afgelopen twaalf jaar voelde als alles behalve een droom.

Natuurlijk heb ik vrijwilligerswerk gedaan, cursussen gevolgd en heb ik een opleiding gegaan, maar het was acht jaar lang een strijd om de juiste medicatie te vinden, ik heb gedurende mijn herstel elf therapeuten, psychologen en coaches versleten, ben twee keer opgenomen geweest op de gesloten psychiatrische afdeling van het UMC en dan heb ik het nog niet eens over het aankomen wegens medicatie, het beschermd wonen en leven onder bewind.

‘Maar ik heb je daar eigenlijk nooit over horen klagen’, zei ze. Klopt, ik laag niet heel veel. En eerlijk gezegd, op dagelijkse basis ben ik ook best een gelukkig mens. Dit leven wat ik nu leef, is normaal voor me geworden. Mijn peers hebben allemaal veel meegemaakt, op de één of andere manier. Ja, we zijn inderdaad single, werkloos, wonen in een kleine studio, gaan niet op vakantie en rijden geen auto.

‘Mis je het snowboarden en het reizen niet?’, vroeg iemand uit mijn oude leven onlangs. Nee, niet echt. Ook al heb ik geen baan, of een familie om voor te zorgen, ik heb het best druk. Ik ga naar mijn zorgafspraken, doe werk voor de herstelacademie en de cliëntenraad en breng tijd door met familie en vrienden. Dit is het nieuwe normaal geworden voor mij.

Mijn buurman noemde me onlangs ook nog ‘elite patiënt’. Blijkbaar lijkt het alsof leven in herstel mij gemakkelijk afgaat. Maar hij weet waarschijnlijk niet dat ik het ene verlies na het andere te verwerken heb gekregen. Ik ben banen verloren, huizen, mensen, m’n gezondheid en moest mijn leven keer op keer opnieuw beginnen. Mensen zien het eindresultaat – ik heb geleerd te leven met mijn aandoening, ik accepteer wie ik ben – maar ze weten niet precies wat het allemaal gekost heeft om hier te komen. De tegenslagen, de teleurstellingen, de pijn, de frustratie.

Ik wil alleen maar zeggen: niets is wat het lijkt van de buitenkant, en zo ook een herstel proces niet.

Vandaag nog was ik in de Jaarbeurs op een expositie van Van Gogh, we kennen hem als de man die wel zo’n 900 schilderijen maakte gedurende zijn leven. Maar niet iedereen kent de details van zijn tragische einde. Dan ben ik blij met hoever de herstelbeweging is gekomen de afgelopen vier decennia…

Dear 31 year old self

You just got out of the hospital. And you have no idea what is coming for you yet. The next decade or so is gonna be tough, because you were given a diagnosis.

Yes, you are ill. I’m sorry.

Sure, go chase your dreams, but after that, take the time to recover. This doesn’t mean your condition will ever go away, but you can learn to live with it.

Remember though, there is an order in recovery, as there is in life. Work is not the single most important thing there is. Even though work was never just a job for you, but a lifestyle. The fact that you have a job though, doesn’t mean you are doing well. Focus on getting better first: find the right medication, learn about your illness and how to continue your life with it.

You will wipe out a few times before you get it, accept that. Recovery is never finished and not linear. And you can’t do it alone. Build a support system around you; mental health care professionals, a close circle of friends, people that help you keep a roof over your head, people that handle your finances.

You will come to a point where you think you finally got it all figured out (a place of your own, a job lined up) and then tragically lose it again in one weekend. You will be devastated. Don’t lose faith. You will get it all back.

The hardest part will not be the condition itself, but having to start life over and over and over again. Slow down. Don’t try to ‘fix’ all areas of your life all at once. You will be single, unemployed and live without a place you can call home, for years. And right when you have made peace with the past; the losses, the anger, the pain – and found a way to live without a job, or a family of your own – the opportunities will start flooding in. I promise you.

Putting time and energy in volunteer work will be a good call. Your hard work and dedication will be noticed. The job opportunity will come eventually, don’t worry. People will start coming to you for a change, right when you least expect it.

Finally, you made many friends on your endeavors throughout life, some of them will visit and contact you from across the country and all over the world. Hang on to those who make an effort to stay connected, despite what happened to you and the fact they live totally different lives. They will provide you with positive energy and most importantly, remind you of who you are, even though you got lost for a while.

Good luck, you got this!

Faith in one’s abilities to overcome

I look at the books I gathered around me over the years: Nelson Mandela’s Long walk to Freedom (from my time in Africa), Che Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries (from the trips I took through Latin America) and Phil Knight’s Shoe Dog (from my career at Nike). These people touched million’s of people’s lives, because they believed it could be done. Just do it, right?

My ultimate goal has never been to build a website, or start a blog. I didn’t even want to just tell a story, everyone has a story to tell in the end. Sharing my (recovery)story is just a means to an end. I have a dream as a peer worker: Give people faith in one’s abilities to overcome.

What I get from talking to my peers though, is that not everyone will get it straight away. I might tell people parts of my recovery story, but they see my recovery process as something dreamy and elite. Not for them. I want to show people what can be done if they just have faith.

🫶🏻 G.

‘The Surf of Life’
~You can surf life, like riding a set of waves~

Dear Millennial,

Dear Millennial, I am just a few years older than you are, but I remember growing up in the old age when life was linear: you earned a living, you raised a family and then you died.

Life in the new Millennium is no longer linear, though. By the time you’re thirty, you feel like fifty-five, right?. You are not Gen X, already living ‘the rest of their lives’ (raising kids, making a career), and you are not Gen Z, who were born into this crazy world and don’t know any better. No, you have to figure out life in this fast changing world all by yourself.

I’m an Xennial, part of the micro-generation right in between Gen X and you. And I have spent over a decade, in and out of mental hospitals, had countless therapy sessions, many coaches, psychologists and psychiatrists and listened to hundreds of recovery stories from peers, who also struggled in life, in one way or another.

For those of you in your late twenties and early thirties to whom this resonates: whatever happened to you in your life, this is not the end, it is only the beginning. This is your life. Forget about society’s expectations and stop spending eight hours a day on your socials or playing video games, in lack of a better idea. Understand that life is like a set of waves, wiping out is inevitable, but you can learn how to surf.

I invite you to go on a quest to the rest of your life like I did and dream big, because I promise you it can be magical.

🫶🏻 G.

Manic episode and psychosis: A spiritual experience?

During my recovery process many people have told me they believe a manic episode or psychosis is a ‘spiritual experience’. I always thought it was nonsense. To me it was simple; you lose your mind for a while and medication will bring you back to reality.

But now, twelve years after my first episode, when I come to think of it, I do remember hearing a voice: ‘Slow down, this is your life, tell him’, it said. Many things happened during that Summer of ‘13, the year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, so I kinda forgot. But lately, I start to believe that ‘voice’ tried to tell me something…

I was going too fast, chasing my dreams, helping everyone out, flying across the globe, making a career and all that, while getting over an eight year relationship. Something had to slow me down, apparently a manic episode was it. Game over. Time to start living life in a different gear.

Secondly, I was living everyone else’s life, but my own: climbing the corporate ladder like my dad did before me, almost following my boyfriend and his dad to the Middle East. Today I finally feel like I’m living my life, not someone else’s. Sober and simple, but it is the beginning of ‘the rest of my life’.

Finally, ‘tell him’, was the hardest part to unravel. Tell whom? And what am I supposed to say? I think it’s about telling people the truth about how I feel. I have always kept my mouth shut in life, because I was afraid to say something wrong. I don’t know, something to do with my childhood I guess.

I was nice, polite and friendly, even if someone crossed the line. But keeping my mouth shut and walking away from any kind of conflict or disagreement is no longer an option, if I want to move forward. I don’t want to start over and over and over again, like I did so many times in the past. I’m not there yet, but speaking my mind has been interesting. People are not always happy when I suddenly set some boundaries while I was always easy going. But it’s an ongoing process.

So, I guess I did have a spiritual experience that Summer of ‘13. It woke me up and opened my eyes, because I had some valuable lessons to learn, which – if I had just kept on going at the rate I was going – I never would have learned.

A Quest to the rest of your life: unleash your potential and live your dream

I have met thousands of people during the course of my life. Fellow students at University, that came to be today’s business leaders. But also the less fortunate that struggle to establish themselves in this world, but nevertheless, possess so much potential too. I have come to believe that potential needs faith, opportunity, support and a ‘can do spirit’ in order to be unleashed. But how to become a believer and have that success experience?

My dream is to guide the next generation on their quest to the rest of their lives. My quest took me over a decade, but young adults these days, they don’t take the time or have the attention span to read an in depth article, dig into ancient wisdom, or go back to school. They want quick concise answers to their questions, so they turn to AI, or TikTok.

So, that’s why I created The Surf of Life. Are you ready to go on a quest to the rest of your life? Are you struggling in some way, or wondering: am I ever gonna be better than this? The Surf of Life might just be it for you.

The Surf of Life is not just a recovery story, but also a way of life. See, life in the 21st century is no longer linear, it is like a set of waves: sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. But when you learn how to ride those waves, life can truly be magical, despite the wipe outs.

My mission? I was fortunate enough to see my dreams come true at a fairly young age. And as I was working towards my dreams I came to understand what it takes to live your dream. An unexpected series of events though, changed the course of my life forever and suddenly I was surrounded by people that never had the opportunity or support system to realize their dreams. Due to childhood trauma, broken homes, unemployment or poverty, they suffer(ed) from anxiety, depression, or addiction and stopped dreaming altogether. I have made it my life’s mission to provide some guidance for those that want to go on a quest to the rest of their lives and (re)gain faith that dreams do come true and that one day will be their day.

Until your late twenties, early thirties, modern day society has a plan for you; get an education, find a way to earn a living and preferably start a family. But after that, you’re pretty much on your own. So, what if society’s plan is not for you?

For those of you who have been struggling to find out what they want to do with the rest of their lives: you are not alone. Many preceded you and many will follow. I came to this point too one day, when breakups, troubled parents and mental health issues forced me to rethink what I wanted to do with my life.

During my quest to the rest of my life, I worked on my recovery on different levels through workshops and courses. Talked to numerous therapists, coaches, and spiritual leaders, that provided me with valuable insights. And stumbled upon ancient wisdoms, new age philosophies, astrology and even quantum mechanics. Nothing you experience hasn’t been experienced before. And look, I don’t have all the answers, but the least I feel I can do is share my story, so the next generation can benefit from what I have learned when they decide to embark on their own quest one day.

What ‘the rest of your life’ will look like? I have no idea, you’re gonna have to figure that out for yourself. But what really helped me was:

Understanding that life is given to you, more likely than believing life can simply be made
Create space for coincidence, and stop trying so damn hard
Let people come to you, don’t chase them around