December 6th over the past seven years

I have kept a journal almost every day for the past seven years. Today I took the time to see what I was thinking this day, during that time and one thing is for sure, my life has been anything but linear. I got back from the US, struggled to build a life in The Hague, moved back ‘home’ to where I was born, lived with my parents and now I have my own studio. Wow… Maybe it’s okay to spend Saturday night in and just enjoy my peace and quite.

2018

I thought I would move to America and that would be ‘the rest of my life’. Truth be told, I was in a job I hated and no longer wanted to do. So, I quit. After seven-and-a-half years with Nike, I said goodbye to the greatest sports brand in the world. I looked back at some awesome times: the sales meetings in Vegas and Athens, the training sessions in Scandinavia and Madrid, the crazy extravagant Christmas parties, international colleagues and great benefits.

I had to say goodbye to Portland, my friends, roof top barbeques, first Thursdays in the Pearl and Mount Hood. My lifetime dream had ended and I was looking at a large, hollow emptiness, called my life. I had no place to live, and no idea what kind of work I wanted to do next. The road ahead was wide open. I could do anything, anything at all. But that’s the thing, when anything can happen, the choices are endless.

2019

My boss at the bar I work at, told me yesterday I should just enjoy this commercial break in my life instead of constantly wondering what I’m supposed to do.

2020

I don’t know what it is with all these people. But they have issues. And I think you should talk about your issues with your therapist and not self medicate to a point where you can’t act like a normal rational human being anymore.

I don’t understand why I always give people a million chances while I already know they are not good people. It’s like what Oprah says: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time’.

2022

I need some newness in my life. Same shit different day. I am not really challenged at my internship, even though I like it there. Friends are nice, but no deep convo’s. Want a boyfriend, but can’t find one. What am I supposed to do?

Haven’t found my Leonardo. The Surf of Life is not finished. I don’t have my own coaching agency and I am not sure how much longer I can stay in this apartment. I spend my nights at friend’s places, but that’s not getting me any further.

I need a man. I don’t understand where people find them. Where is my Leonardo?

2023

Now my dad is behind the computer, the music is playing and my mom is asleep. She’ll be glad I cooked dinner when she wakes up.

2024

Today I’ll have a nice long shower and slow breakfast. Maybe do some laundry during the day. Just, take some time for myself.

Thank you for the wise lessons!

Create space for coincidence and let people come to you.

~ Anke T., Coach in Portland, Oregon

I spend the better part of my life chasing dreams, jobs and people. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn’t. Until I exhausted myself and wiped out and one of my coaches told me to stop trying so hard, because I was wearing myself out.

Being in a job for 25 years, doesn’t mean you have 25 years of exprience. It means you have the same experience 25 times.

~ Tim W., Mentor at Nike EMEA

My parents’ generation (the Boomers) used to spend a lifetime in one line of business. I thought that’s what I was set out to do, until I had a conversation with my mentor at Nike one day and he explained to me how experience works. I now believe what he said that day in his office is true for your work as it is for life.

If you wanna piss with the big dogs, you gotta lift your leg a little higher.

~ South African business partner, IBM Corporate Service Corps

I went on a project with IBM once and my South-African business partners wanted me to Tee-off from the men’s Tee-box, because me Tee-ing off from the women’s box made the game unfair, according to them. In the game of golf, as in life, you need to step up, in order to move up, is what this taught me.

Life is given to you.

~ Caroline van F., Coach in Amsterdam

Until I was thirty, I believed life was linear and it could be made through hard work, dedication and discipline. But, after a series of life altering events I turned to a coach who told me ‘Life is given’. A total life changer to me at the time. It opened my mind to the possibility there are larger forces at stake, and me, my little self, had limited influence on what happened to me in my life.

Your dreams have come true and you have a sense of magic, what if you dream up something else, could you have that too?

~ William, Psychic in Portland, Oregon

I once saw a psychic to get answers to some life questions. I had always wanted to work for Nike and once I did, I dreamed of landing a job in the US. But, once there, I thought: what’s next? In hindsight the job was never a purpose in itself, but it was the experience of having your dreams come true that made it count.

Always return to the flag.

~ Arthur van der L., my dad

I used to travel a lot. Wanted to see the world, like my dad and his parents before him. But one day we were crossing a random street, when he turned to me and he said: ‘Doesn’t matter what you do, but always return to the flag’.
At the time I didn’t really know what he meant. But after I moved around the world for a quarter century to finally return to the place where I was born, I think he meant we all have a place where we belong.

Now it’s time to find your own Leonardo.

~ Josien K., University friend

I have been a lifetime Leonardo DiCaprio fan, ever since I saw him on the big screen in Romeo + Juliette for the first time. Who knows me well, knows this. So, when my college sweetheart and I broke up, my friend said: ‘Now it’s time to find your own Leonardo’. It’s over a decade later and I haven’t found him yet, but I will keep looking 🙂

Do what you love and money will come.

~ Tom G., fellow committee member at AIESEC

I never had a big bank account, but I travelled the world, studied, lived and worked abroad and my dreams have come true. Somehow this twenty-some year old guy at University knew what he was talking about. You don’t earn money to go do the things you love. When you start doing the things you love, money will automatically come your way somehow.

I love the process of recovery and faith in one’s abilities to overcome.

~ Patrick C., Friend from Portland, Oregon

I have been sharing my recovery story with the world through various platforms over the past decade or so. And I want to thank everyone who has supported me throughout the years through liking my posts or the personal messages I received. One comment I will take with me towards the future though: I will aim to give people faith in one’s abilities to overcome.

Wu Wei

Usually when I get home at night and generally had fun that day – birthday parties, Friday night drinks, or other celebrations of some kind – I feel gloomy. Why? Basically because I realize how alone I am and have been for the past decade or so. Sure, wherever I lived over the past thirteen years, I always had a social circle and good friends to spend my free time with. But that’s no longer enough for me.

I know by now that love comes in all shapes and forms. From crushes and friends with benefits, to summer flings and long term relationships. But true love, the one you want to share the rest of your days with, just hasn’t shown up for me yet. Maybe because I moved around too much in my life to settle down, or because I got sick at age thirty-one and spent the next decade or so to recover.

What if William the Psychic was right, and I am afraid of being swallowed up by the other person and that fear is in the way? Maybe it’s true, I have been looking in all the wrong places and there are not many people like me, who want to experience the fullness of life.

I keep spending my days, and nights for that matter, with men I know are not relationship material. Madness, according to Einstein, keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome. So, what am I supposed to do? I want to ‘find my Leonardo’. But how? By creating space for coincidence and letting people come to me? Lessons I learned on my Quest. That’s really hard for me though, trying to accomplish something without doing anything. Wu Wei, the action of non-action, according to Lao Tzu’s Taoism. That’s how it all started, the idea of The Surf of Life.

Maybe it’s time for me to practice what I preach and do nothing when it comes to finding my Leonardo. And just see what happens in the next year…

Image by: Adobe Stock

Life is but a dream

“Your dreams have come true and you have a sense of magic, what if you dream up something else, can you have that too?”  – William the Psychic, Portland (OR) – 2017

I will turn 42 at the end of the summer and for the past quarter century I have been running towards my dreams. Running towards places, chasing jobs, chasing guys. I had a good time. But life begins at forty they say, so what will I do with the rest of my life?  

To be honest, I had a great childhood. I grew up in a small town in rural Holland, with two parents and a younger brother. All I can remember is birthday parties, playing outside and summer holidays to Southern Europe.  

As a resut of this upbringing I got myself a university degree, moved to Amsterdam with my college sweetheart and landed a job at my dream company Nike. So far so good right?  

Until life hit me in the face with a brick. What happened? Well, it wasn’t so much one thing, it was more like a series of events. My relationship had ended after eight years, which was pretty much like a divorce. My parents were evicted from their house, which put a lot of pressure on me. And I dove had first in a rebound relationship that didn’t end well. So there I was, staring at the ceiling night after night, until the dilusions started. And that is how I spend my thirty first birthday in a mental hospital.  

After three weeks they sent me home with a bag of pills and a shrink’s phone number and that was it. I went back to work and continued on with my life, like nothing had happened. I even moved to the US for work. Imagine, a small town girl from Holland at Nike’s World Head Quarters! My dreams had come true and I had a sense of magic, what if I dreamed up something else, could I have that too?  

By the time I got back from the US at age thrity five, I thought it was time to settle down. All my old friends from university had moved on with their lives, bought houses, got married, or were even raising families.  And really, for the next five years or so I did my best to get to the same place. Took on a couple of jobs, but quit, because they didn’t feel right. Had a few flings, that never lasted. And moved around a lot, because I did’t have a place of my own. Of course Covid hit, which didn’t help either and by forty I moved back in with my parents, because I seriously messed up.  

Even though I didn’t see it last summer, I was given a second chance. A chance to start over in life. A clean slate, so to speak. With everything stripped away, I could start building from ground zero again.  

Over the past year I have moved out of my parent’s place, at least I have a roof over my head now. When it comes to love I have learned that I have to stop trying so hard and let people come to me. And as for a job, it’s just a job, it’s not my life, nor my identity.  

So, this time, in stead of trying so hard, I’m gonna create space for coincidence, or ‘Surf Life’ as a I call it, and just see what happens.  

Image: https://www.kidspot.com.au/lifestyle/entertainment/common-childrens-dreams-and-what-they-mean-according-to-a-dream-expert/news-story/44e916e024c5a533fa73a8562699772a