Tag: blog

December 6th over the past seven years

I have kept a journal almost every day for the past seven years. Today I took the time to see what I was thinking this day, during that time and one thing is for sure, my life has been anything but linear. I got back from the US, struggled to build a life in The Hague, moved back ‘home’ to where I was born, lived with my parents and now I have my own studio. Wow… Maybe it’s okay to spend Saturday night in and just enjoy my peace and quite.

2018

I thought I would move to America and that would be ‘the rest of my life’. Truth be told, I was in a job I hated and no longer wanted to do. So, I quit. After seven-and-a-half years with Nike, I said goodbye to the greatest sports brand in the world. I looked back at some awesome times: the sales meetings in Vegas and Athens, the training sessions in Scandinavia and Madrid, the crazy extravagant Christmas parties, international colleagues and great benefits.

I had to say goodbye to Portland, my friends, roof top barbeques, first Thursdays in the Pearl and Mount Hood. My lifetime dream had ended and I was looking at a large, hollow emptiness, called my life. I had no place to live, and no idea what kind of work I wanted to do next. The road ahead was wide open. I could do anything, anything at all. But that’s the thing, when anything can happen, the choices are endless.

2019

My boss at the bar I work at, told me yesterday I should just enjoy this commercial break in my life instead of constantly wondering what I’m supposed to do.

2020

I don’t know what it is with all these people. But they have issues. And I think you should talk about your issues with your therapist and not self medicate to a point where you can’t act like a normal rational human being anymore.

I don’t understand why I always give people a million chances while I already know they are not good people. It’s like what Oprah says: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time’.

2022

I need some newness in my life. Same shit different day. I am not really challenged at my internship, even though I like it there. Friends are nice, but no deep convo’s. Want a boyfriend, but can’t find one. What am I supposed to do?

Haven’t found my Leonardo. The Surf of Life is not finished. I don’t have my own coaching agency and I am not sure how much longer I can stay in this apartment. I spend my nights at friend’s places, but that’s not getting me any further.

I need a man. I don’t understand where people find them. Where is my Leonardo?

2023

Now my dad is behind the computer, the music is playing and my mom is asleep. She’ll be glad I cooked dinner when she wakes up.

2024

Today I’ll have a nice long shower and slow breakfast. Maybe do some laundry during the day. Just, take some time for myself.

Life is but a dream

“Your dreams have come true and you have a sense of magic, what if you dream up something else, can you have that too?”  – William the Psychic, Portland (OR) – 2017

I will turn 42 at the end of the summer and for the past quarter century I have been running towards my dreams. Running towards places, chasing jobs, chasing guys. I had a good time. But life begins at forty they say, so what will I do with the rest of my life?  

To be honest, I had a great childhood. I grew up in a small town in rural Holland, with two parents and a younger brother. All I can remember is birthday parties, playing outside and summer holidays to Southern Europe.  

As a resut of this upbringing I got myself a university degree, moved to Amsterdam with my college sweetheart and landed a job at my dream company Nike. So far so good right?  

Until life hit me in the face with a brick. What happened? Well, it wasn’t so much one thing, it was more like a series of events. My relationship had ended after eight years, which was pretty much like a divorce. My parents were evicted from their house, which put a lot of pressure on me. And I dove had first in a rebound relationship that didn’t end well. So there I was, staring at the ceiling night after night, until the dilusions started. And that is how I spend my thirty first birthday in a mental hospital.  

After three weeks they sent me home with a bag of pills and a shrink’s phone number and that was it. I went back to work and continued on with my life, like nothing had happened. I even moved to the US for work. Imagine, a small town girl from Holland at Nike’s World Head Quarters! My dreams had come true and I had a sense of magic, what if I dreamed up something else, could I have that too?  

By the time I got back from the US at age thrity five, I thought it was time to settle down. All my old friends from university had moved on with their lives, bought houses, got married, or were even raising families.  And really, for the next five years or so I did my best to get to the same place. Took on a couple of jobs, but quit, because they didn’t feel right. Had a few flings, that never lasted. And moved around a lot, because I did’t have a place of my own. Of course Covid hit, which didn’t help either and by forty I moved back in with my parents, because I seriously messed up.  

Even though I didn’t see it last summer, I was given a second chance. A chance to start over in life. A clean slate, so to speak. With everything stripped away, I could start building from ground zero again.  

Over the past year I have moved out of my parent’s place, at least I have a roof over my head now. When it comes to love I have learned that I have to stop trying so hard and let people come to me. And as for a job, it’s just a job, it’s not my life, nor my identity.  

So, this time, in stead of trying so hard, I’m gonna create space for coincidence, or ‘Surf Life’ as a I call it, and just see what happens.  

Image: https://www.kidspot.com.au/lifestyle/entertainment/common-childrens-dreams-and-what-they-mean-according-to-a-dream-expert/news-story/44e916e024c5a533fa73a8562699772a