December 6th over the past seven years

I have kept a journal almost every day for the past seven years. Today I took the time to see what I was thinking this day, during that time and one thing is for sure, my life has been anything but linear. I got back from the US, struggled to build a life in The Hague, moved back ‘home’ to where I was born, lived with my parents and now I have my own studio. Wow… Maybe it’s okay to spend Saturday night in and just enjoy my peace and quite.

2018

I thought I would move to America and that would be ‘the rest of my life’. Truth be told, I was in a job I hated and no longer wanted to do. So, I quit. After seven-and-a-half years with Nike, I said goodbye to the greatest sports brand in the world. I looked back at some awesome times: the sales meetings in Vegas and Athens, the training sessions in Scandinavia and Madrid, the crazy extravagant Christmas parties, international colleagues and great benefits.

I had to say goodbye to Portland, my friends, roof top barbeques, first Thursdays in the Pearl and Mount Hood. My lifetime dream had ended and I was looking at a large, hollow emptiness, called my life. I had no place to live, and no idea what kind of work I wanted to do next. The road ahead was wide open. I could do anything, anything at all. But that’s the thing, when anything can happen, the choices are endless.

2019

My boss at the bar I work at, told me yesterday I should just enjoy this commercial break in my life instead of constantly wondering what I’m supposed to do.

2020

I don’t know what it is with all these people. But they have issues. And I think you should talk about your issues with your therapist and not self medicate to a point where you can’t act like a normal rational human being anymore.

I don’t understand why I always give people a million chances while I already know they are not good people. It’s like what Oprah says: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time’.

2022

I need some newness in my life. Same shit different day. I am not really challenged at my internship, even though I like it there. Friends are nice, but no deep convo’s. Want a boyfriend, but can’t find one. What am I supposed to do?

Haven’t found my Leonardo. The Surf of Life is not finished. I don’t have my own coaching agency and I am not sure how much longer I can stay in this apartment. I spend my nights at friend’s places, but that’s not getting me any further.

I need a man. I don’t understand where people find them. Where is my Leonardo?

2023

Now my dad is behind the computer, the music is playing and my mom is asleep. She’ll be glad I cooked dinner when she wakes up.

2024

Today I’ll have a nice long shower and slow breakfast. Maybe do some laundry during the day. Just, take some time for myself.

Letting go of the old, to create space for something new

I lost two friends in one month. Without any context or explanation they said goodbye. They no longer saw the value in our friendship. Just like that. So I sat down to reflect on what happened. And it took me a while to realize that it wasn’t my fault. They were part of my old life. They served their purpose and now it was time to let go.

I moved a lot over the past decade or so, even moved continents. But I couldn’t seem to grow roots anywhere. What I didn’t know then, is that I was being prepared for a different life. It felt like the end, but it was in fact the beginning of a new life. I moved back to the place where I was from, the place where I belonged. Instead of wondering the planet, like I had been doing for over twenty years or so.

I had been looking for the rest of my life in all the wrong places. I thought: if I have a roof over my head, a job and a circle of friends, I am there. I kept holding on to my old way of living, but when I thought I was almost there, everything got stripped away once again. I was clearly being led into a different direction.

Deep down inside I know what I want, but I just don’t know how to get there. I will not live in this studio apartment forever, I will not be in this job forever, I don’t even know if the people I call my fiends today, will be in my life five or ten years from now.

I’m getting impatient. I feel like I’m ready to move on, but instead I’m forced to slow down. I can’t move into another direction right now. I have third parties managing my finances, my home and my work. All I can do right now is wait. I just have to wait apparently.

Letting go of the old, created space for something new. Looking back over the past seven years, since I got back from the US, I said goodbye to many people and places. I said goodbye to making a career with some large corporate. I said goodbye to a big world, my world has become so very small. I work down the street and the only trip I take in a week, is to my parents, who live one town over.

I no longer work in commerce, but I am preparing myself for a second career in mental health care. How? I have no clue yet. I just know that is what I am set out to do. Earlier this year I had no idea how to get back into the workforce, but then this lady from the board spotted me during one of the meetings of the client council, in which I was a volunteer and I was invited for a job interview. And now, two months into the job, we are negotiating next years’ terms. There are larger forces at stake. Which is true for saying ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’.

Thank you for the wise lessons!

Create space for coincidence and let people come to you.

~ Anke T., Coach in Portland, Oregon

I spend the better part of my life chasing dreams, jobs and people. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn’t. Until I exhausted myself and wiped out and one of my coaches told me to stop trying so hard, because I was wearing myself out.

Being in a job for 25 years, doesn’t mean you have 25 years of exprience. It means you have the same experience 25 times.

~ Tim W., Mentor at Nike EMEA

My parents’ generation (the Boomers) used to spend a lifetime in one line of business. I thought that’s what I was set out to do, until I had a conversation with my mentor at Nike one day and he explained to me how experience works. I now believe what he said that day in his office is true for your work as it is for life.

If you wanna piss with the big dogs, you gotta lift your leg a little higher.

~ South African business partner, IBM Corporate Service Corps

I went on a project with IBM once and my South-African business partners wanted me to Tee-off from the men’s Tee-box, because me Tee-ing off from the women’s box made the game unfair, according to them. In the game of golf, as in life, you need to step up, in order to move up, is what this taught me.

Life is given to you.

~ Caroline van F., Coach in Amsterdam

Until I was thirty, I believed life was linear and it could be made through hard work, dedication and discipline. But, after a series of life altering events I turned to a coach who told me ‘Life is given’. A total life changer to me at the time. It opened my mind to the possibility there are larger forces at stake, and me, my little self, had limited influence on what happened to me in my life.

Your dreams have come true and you have a sense of magic, what if you dream up something else, could you have that too?

~ William, Psychic in Portland, Oregon

I once saw a psychic to get answers to some life questions. I had always wanted to work for Nike and once I did, I dreamed of landing a job in the US. But, once there, I thought: what’s next? In hindsight the job was never a purpose in itself, but it was the experience of having your dreams come true that made it count.

Always return to the flag.

~ Arthur van der L., my dad

I used to travel a lot. Wanted to see the world, like my dad and his parents before him. But one day we were crossing a random street, when he turned to me and he said: ‘Doesn’t matter what you do, but always return to the flag’.
At the time I didn’t really know what he meant. But after I moved around the world for a quarter century to finally return to the place where I was born, I think he meant we all have a place where we belong.

Now it’s time to find your own Leonardo.

~ Josien K., University friend

I have been a lifetime Leonardo DiCaprio fan, ever since I saw him on the big screen in Romeo + Juliette for the first time. Who knows me well, knows this. So, when my college sweetheart and I broke up, my friend said: ‘Now it’s time to find your own Leonardo’. It’s over a decade later and I haven’t found him yet, but I will keep looking 🙂

Do what you love and money will come.

~ Tom G., fellow committee member at AIESEC

I never had a big bank account, but I travelled the world, studied, lived and worked abroad and my dreams have come true. Somehow this twenty-some year old guy at University knew what he was talking about. You don’t earn money to go do the things you love. When you start doing the things you love, money will automatically come your way somehow.

I love the process of recovery and faith in one’s abilities to overcome.

~ Patrick C., Friend from Portland, Oregon

I have been sharing my recovery story with the world through various platforms over the past decade or so. And I want to thank everyone who has supported me throughout the years through liking my posts or the personal messages I received. One comment I will take with me towards the future though: I will aim to give people faith in one’s abilities to overcome.

Wu Wei

Usually when I get home at night and generally had fun that day – birthday parties, Friday night drinks, or other celebrations of some kind – I feel gloomy. Why? Basically because I realize how alone I am and have been for the past decade or so. Sure, wherever I lived over the past thirteen years, I always had a social circle and good friends to spend my free time with. But that’s no longer enough for me.

I know by now that love comes in all shapes and forms. From crushes and friends with benefits, to summer flings and long term relationships. But true love, the one you want to share the rest of your days with, just hasn’t shown up for me yet. Maybe because I moved around too much in my life to settle down, or because I got sick at age thirty-one and spent the next decade or so to recover.

What if William the Psychic was right, and I am afraid of being swallowed up by the other person and that fear is in the way? Maybe it’s true, I have been looking in all the wrong places and there are not many people like me, who want to experience the fullness of life.

I keep spending my days, and nights for that matter, with men I know are not relationship material. Madness, according to Einstein, keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome. So, what am I supposed to do? I want to ‘find my Leonardo’. But how? By creating space for coincidence and letting people come to me? Lessons I learned on my Quest. That’s really hard for me though, trying to accomplish something without doing anything. Wu Wei, the action of non-action, according to Lao Tzu’s Taoism. That’s how it all started, the idea of The Surf of Life.

Maybe it’s time for me to practice what I preach and do nothing when it comes to finding my Leonardo. And just see what happens in the next year…

The end of an era and the beginning of a new one

The end of a wonderful Sunday spend with family, a weekend packed with social activities, a relaxed week and month, a well spend Summer and a year full of change.

Tomorrow everyone will go back to school and back to work after Summer break. Back from their holidays in Southern Europe with the family. First day of High School or University as a Freshman. I remember those days.

For me it’s just another year, so it seems. But this time I have a roof over my head that’s mine for the next few years, if I want to. I’m not subletting from a friend in lack of a better idea, not renting a furnished room from a man I met at the bar, I don’t live in a place I can’t afford, I don’t live with my parents, nor in a group home, or in a temporary home with roommates.

And for the first time in seven years I have a job lined up. Hopefully this will be the end of a seven year career break, well spend on health and well being. I’m all by myself in my living room, which is also my bedroom. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I never belonged in Amsterdam, Portland, or The Hague. This place is where I’m from.

One more day and I’ll be 43. A landmark. The end of my sixth chakra life cycle, for those of you who are into Buddhism and Hinduism. I look back on a bumpy seven year life cycle, I could write a book about my lessons learned and maybe I will one day.

I don’t know what’s waiting for me in the next seven years. We’ll see. I know by now what is meant by ‘life is given to you’, thanks to my late great coach, may she rest in peace. No use trying to predict your own future, there is no way you will know what’s gonna happen to you a year or seven years from now. All you can do is ride the waves that are coming for you. That, to me, is The Surf of Life.

Ervaringsdeskundige in wat?

In wat? Vragen mensen me vaak, als ik zeg dat ik Ervaringsdeskundige ben.

Wat houd het eigenlijk in om als Ervaringsdeskundige ondersteuning te bieden tijdens iemands herstelproces?

Dat verschilt per persoon en ligt aan een ieders behoefte, als je het mij vraagt:

De één wil een luisterend oor, de ander heeft behoefte aan een knuffel. Soms help je met het invullen van een formulier of het begeleiden naar een afspraak, maar af en toe antwoorden op een appje kan ook al voldoende zijn. Van boodschappen doen, tot hulp bij het updaten van een LinkedIn profiel, you name it. De support die ik bied is heel divers.

Geduld, compassie, inlevingsvermogen, begrip, het feit dat ik ontelbare keren verhuisd ben, mijn vrijwilligerswerk op de herstelacademie, een hoog energie level, bedrijfskundige werkervaring en een cursus loopbaancoaching, komen in dit vakgebied dus goed van pas. Wie had dat ooit gedacht?

Ik ben dan wel niet in dienst bij een werkgever en ben geen ZZPer, maar toch krijg ik er als dank voor mijn support zoveel waardering voor terug, zoals uitnodigingen voor heerlijke etentjes, een onverwacht cadeautje of een behandeling bij de beauty salon.

Ik ben pas net twee jaar onderweg om mijn rol als Ervaringsdeskundige vorm te geven in dit leven, maar Oprah zei ooit: ‘You must find a way to serve’. Nou, ik denk dat ik die gevonden heb.

Samen naar een afspraak bij de GGZ voor onderzoek

The Surf of Life

‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf’ ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

Wat is The Surf of Life eigenlijk?

The Surf of Life is het idee dat het leven niet lineair is, maar meer een golfbeweging. En dat je op die golven kunt leren surfen.

Daar begon t mee in 2014. Het idee werd een website, de website werd een blog en de blog heeft inmiddels 11k views.

Maar The Surf of Life is ook mijn herstelverhaal, en aangezien herstel nooit af is, is mijn verhaal ook nooit af. Na een flinke periode van struggles heb ik wel t idee dat ik in rustiger vaarwater terecht ben gekomen. Ik woon niet meer op een ‘locatie’, maar heb een eigen studio. Geen huisgenoten meer en geen begeleiding die ieder moment het huis binnen kan lopen. Ik heb de juiste zorg gevonden en ga zelfs dit najaar beginnen met een ‘proefplaatsing’.

Waarom The Surf of Life?

‘Het leven is je gegeven, creëer ruimte voor toeval, laat mensen naar jou toe komen’. Ik heb tijdens mijn herstel veel adviezen gekregen. Adviezen die niet alleen op een herstelproces van toepassing zijn, maar ook op t leven in t algemeen.

Ik dacht jaren lang dat t leven maakbaar was en jaagde constant achter mensen, banen en kansen aan. Totdat ik de ene wipe out na de andere te verduren kreeg. Het leven is een golfbeweging dacht ik toen, met ups en downs. Wat als je kunt leren surfen op de golven van t leven?

Een mooie gedachte voor een 31 jarige. Maar in de praktijk nog niet zo eenvoudig. Iedere keer als ik dacht, I get it, wipe out! Leren surfen op de golven van het leven is een proces van vallen en opstaan. Steeds weer opnieuw: van vrijwilligerswerk, naar een proefplaatsing, naar een betaalde baan. Van een groepswoning, naar wonen met huisgenoten, naar een eigen studio.

Deze week geef ik een cursus en leren we van ons eigen herstelproces. Wat hebben we nu geleerd van ons proces? Ik heb zoveel geleerd: geduld hebben (die golven die komen), wees kieskeurig (niet iedere golf is voor jou), geniet van t moment (er komt een einde aan die golf). The Surf of Life gaat niet alleen over wipe outs, maar ook over one’s abilities to overcome.

Tuurlijk, ik heb vele wipe outs gemaakt, maar het surfen gaat me al een stuk beter af dan jaren geleden. En tussen die wipe outs door waren er ook vele mooie momenten: dromen die werkelijkheid werden in Amerika, terug naar school na 15 jaar, fijne zomeravonden met vrienden en familie.

Ik weet niet wat me te wachten staat in dit leven, maar een ding weet ik zeker: het is alles behalve lineair. En als Ervaringsdeskundige deel ik graag mijn ‘ongoing’ ervaringsverhaal. Wie weet, misschien helpt t anderen te leren surfen op de golven van het leven.

Een droom van een herstelproces?

Een lotgenoot zei laatst tegen me dat mijn herstel een ‘droom proces’ is geweest. Tja, dat mag dan misschien zo lijken van de buitenkant, maar de afgelopen twaalf jaar voelde als alles behalve een droom.

Natuurlijk heb ik vrijwilligerswerk gedaan, cursussen gevolgd en heb ik een opleiding gegaan, maar het was acht jaar lang een strijd om de juiste medicatie te vinden, ik heb gedurende mijn herstel elf therapeuten, psychologen en coaches versleten, ben twee keer opgenomen geweest op de gesloten psychiatrische afdeling van het UMC en dan heb ik het nog niet eens over het aankomen wegens medicatie, het beschermd wonen en leven onder bewind.

‘Maar ik heb je daar eigenlijk nooit over horen klagen’, zei ze. Klopt, ik laag niet heel veel. En eerlijk gezegd, op dagelijkse basis ben ik ook best een gelukkig mens. Dit leven wat ik nu leef, is normaal voor me geworden. Mijn peers hebben allemaal veel meegemaakt, op de één of andere manier. Ja, we zijn inderdaad single, werkloos, wonen in een kleine studio, gaan niet op vakantie en rijden geen auto.

‘Mis je het snowboarden en het reizen niet?’, vroeg iemand uit mijn oude leven onlangs. Nee, niet echt. Ook al heb ik geen baan, of een familie om voor te zorgen, ik heb het best druk. Ik ga naar mijn zorgafspraken, doe werk voor de herstelacademie en de cliëntenraad en breng tijd door met familie en vrienden. Dit is het nieuwe normaal geworden voor mij.

Mijn buurman noemde me onlangs ook nog ‘elite patiënt’. Blijkbaar lijkt het alsof leven in herstel mij gemakkelijk afgaat. Maar hij weet waarschijnlijk niet dat ik het ene verlies na het andere te verwerken heb gekregen. Ik ben banen verloren, huizen, mensen, m’n gezondheid en moest mijn leven keer op keer opnieuw beginnen. Mensen zien het eindresultaat – ik heb geleerd te leven met mijn aandoening, ik accepteer wie ik ben – maar ze weten niet precies wat het allemaal gekost heeft om hier te komen. De tegenslagen, de teleurstellingen, de pijn, de frustratie.

Ik wil alleen maar zeggen: niets is wat het lijkt van de buitenkant, en zo ook een herstel proces niet.

Vandaag nog was ik in de Jaarbeurs op een expositie van Van Gogh, we kennen hem als de man die wel zo’n 900 schilderijen maakte gedurende zijn leven. Maar niet iedereen kent de details van zijn tragische einde. Dan ben ik blij met hoever de herstelbeweging is gekomen de afgelopen vier decennia…

Dear 31 year old self

You just got out of the hospital. And you have no idea what is coming for you yet. The next decade or so is gonna be tough, because you were given a diagnosis.

Yes, you are ill. I’m sorry.

Sure, go chase your dreams, but after that, take the time to recover. This doesn’t mean your condition will ever go away, but you can learn to live with it.

Remember though, there is an order in recovery, as there is in life. Work is not the single most important thing there is. Even though work was never just a job for you, but a lifestyle. The fact that you have a job though, doesn’t mean you are doing well. Focus on getting better first: find the right medication, learn about your illness and how to continue your life with it.

You will wipe out a few times before you get it, accept that. Recovery is never finished and not linear. And you can’t do it alone. Build a support system around you; mental health care professionals, a close circle of friends, people that help you keep a roof over your head, people that handle your finances.

You will come to a point where you think you finally got it all figured out (a place of your own, a job lined up) and then tragically lose it again in one weekend. You will be devastated. Don’t lose faith. You will get it all back.

The hardest part will not be the condition itself, but having to start life over and over and over again. Slow down. Don’t try to ‘fix’ all areas of your life all at once. You will be single, unemployed and live without a place you can call home, for years. And right when you have made peace with the past; the losses, the anger, the pain – and found a way to live without a job, or a family of your own – the opportunities will start flooding in. I promise you.

Putting time and energy in volunteer work will be a good call. Your hard work and dedication will be noticed. The job opportunity will come eventually, don’t worry. People will start coming to you for a change, right when you least expect it.

Finally, you made many friends on your endeavors throughout life, some of them will visit and contact you from across the country and all over the world. Hang on to those who make an effort to stay connected, despite what happened to you and the fact they live totally different lives. They will provide you with positive energy and most importantly, remind you of who you are, even though you got lost for a while.

Good luck, you got this!

Faith in one’s abilities to overcome

I look at the books I gathered around me over the years: Nelson Mandela’s Long walk to Freedom (from my time in Africa), Che Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries (from the trips I took through Latin America) and Phil Knight’s Shoe Dog (from my career at Nike). These people touched million’s of people’s lives, because they believed it could be done. Just do it, right?

My ultimate goal has never been to build a website, or start a blog. I didn’t even want to just tell a story, everyone has a story to tell in the end. Sharing my (recovery)story is just a means to an end. I have a dream as a peer worker: Give people faith in one’s abilities to overcome.

What I get from talking to my peers though, is that not everyone will get it straight away. I might tell people parts of my recovery story, but they see my recovery process as something dreamy and elite. Not for them. I want to show people what can be done if they just have faith.

🫶🏻 G.